Crimson Pouring Through My Veins
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: They're both drowning in their own emotions. The only difference is, he wants to save her and she wants to fall. FTM!Rachel so be warned if that's not your thing.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Crimson Pouring Through My Veins

**Chapter:** 1

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Pezberry (friendship and initial romance), Quinntana (friendship and slight romance), Puckleberry friendship, Samchel (one-sided for now), Kum, New Directions

**Word Count:** 3,898

**Spoilers:** Canon up to the end of Season 1

**Summary:** They're both drowning in their own emotions. The only difference is, he wants to save her and she wants to fall.

**A/N:**So, I've had this in mind for a while now and I had to get it out. Obviously this is AU after S1 with some things from S2 like IFP/U (although those things will be changed to fit the story) and it's FTM!Rachel because I've seen Quinn but never Rachel and I wanted to write one. Just so you know, the science is a bit dodgy because I had Ray go through hormone treatments as well as top _and_ bottom surgery all in one whereas in real life it takes a number of months or years to do so. Also, I'm pretty sure that the combination of the Centurion, MLD flap phalloplasty and scrotoplasty treatments I put him through is not possible, but it was necessary in other to explain why he still has so much sensitivity in that area. In addition to this, there are bits that I can't explain here without giving away later chapters (*hint: stuff about Santana) except to say that her attraction to Ray is emotional in nature and based, initially, on her reaction to how he treats her so gender doesn't matter to her. I think that's it for now so read and review please? It'll make the unicorns and narwhals happy. Also, it'll save the virgins from the killer unicorns (cookie if you understand this).

**A/N2:** Nearly forgot, I'm dedicating this fic to both **fanaticfaberryfanfiction** and my tumblr wife **shyro-vindan** who helped me make sense of the things in my head while I was still trying to work this out.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did.

* * *

**Chapter One**

His hands shook the first time he met those eyes, the all too familiar ice of hazel steel cutting through his resolve and bringing back familiar desires. Always, always behind the dreams of Broadway and Fanny Brice had been that desire to be that knight in shining armour; never the prince. Princes were too akin to princesses for him and he always thought that the knights were cooler anyway. They may not have always gotten the gold, glory or the girl but at least they had freedom. That was all he craved.

He tried to calm his body but nothing seemed to work while his eyes met that hard gaze. He would have tried to break away from it if he could but those eyes had always had some sort of strange power over him that would bind his will. Months ago he would have said that it was almost supernatural but even then he had been deceiving himself.

"You okay, man?"

The familiar voice broke him out of his trance only because the owner's presence had caused her to turn away from him. He wanted to kill the boy in that moment but settled for punching his arm instead, knowing that he was not at fault for his timing.

"Don't sneak up on people like that Noah. It's not cool."

"Not my fault Ray," the boy in question replied. "I was standing next to you for a while but you were too busy having eye-sex with Fabray to notice. Bruise a guy's ego, why don't you?"

Ray laughed as they approached his locker. He was always thankful for Puck's presence in his life, especially at that moment when he needed a boost in his confidence. He was not yet at his lowest but he knew that it was only a matter of time. The doctors had told him that he was, in Puck's words, a fucking time bomb just waiting to explode. He knew that. What he felt was just too much sometimes so having Puck around was the perfect security measure.

"You got enough of an ego boost with those sorority girls you left me for last week." He pulled out his AP English books and slammed the locker door shut. "I don't get how you think with your dick so often dude. I really don't."

"Like you're so innocent." He swung his arm around Ray's shoulders and adopted a high-pitched voice. "I love Quinn's eyes. They're so wonderful and Quinn's so pretty. Don't you think Quinn's pretty? Those uniforms really do highlight her best features don't you think? Even pregnant, she's just really pretty. Why can she carry my babies?"

"Don't you dare think about knocking Tubbers up again you idiot. We need her ass for Nationals."

"Chill Santana. Q wouldn't let me near her and I won't do that to my boy Ray anyway. If anything, he's the one who should get to tap that."

"Ray? You mean the new kid?"

"Right here, you know," Ray mumbled as Santana fell into step with them. "I do not, as Noah so crudely put it, want to tap that. While I wouldn't go so far as to say that I would turn down sex with Quinn, I just want a chance to get to know her and, maybe, embark on a romantic relationship with her."

"Dios! This kid sounds like Berry. Who are you anyway?"

He chuckled at Santana's surprise. If that was all it took to shock her he would have approached her first. As it was, he was just thanking his lucky stars that she had not recognised him yet. That little surprise he would save for later.

Without answering, Ray just shook his head and made his way to a seat in the back of the classroom. It was just homeroom and he really did not care either way if he heard the teacher or not He never had although he had become quite adept at making it seem otherwise.

Santana and Puck sat on either side of him, glaring at anyone who dared to challenge them for the seats. Surprisingly, there were a few Cheerios who tried to do so but one glare from Santana had them scrambling to get away.

"That was interesting."

"What was?"

"That. I had no clue nerdy was attractive."

Ray said nothing, allowing the conversation between the two sex sharks to flow past him as he focused his attention on the sketch he had started when they had sat down. In the past his notebooks used to be filled with musical compositions and songs that he wanted to sing. The compositions were still there – he had not given up on music entirely – but the lyrics of various song choices had been replaced by a nuclear of sketches depicting any and everything he could think to draw.

He glanced at his subject once more before allowing his pencil the freedom to bring the image nearer to completion. From time to time his eyes would dart back to her but never stayed long enough to be caught. He was still a bit hesitant, even if this summer had given him what he felt was a new start.

Sighing when he could no longer help himself, he allowed the pencil to fall away and turned in time to meet Santana and Puck's gaze. Both sets of eyes were glued to the black and white image of Santana that sat before him, one narrowed more than the other.

"Dude, that's pretty good." Puck moved to examine it further but Santana snatched it away before he could. "What's your problem Satan?"

"When did you do this?" she asked instead, ignoring the boy with the Mohawk in favour of Ray. "Why the fuck _would_ you do this?"

"It's not finished," he replied, grabbing it back from her, "and I don't know, okay? I just like to draw and I have enough images of Noah in there."

He was met with a raised eyebrow, commanding him to tell the truth. He did not want to say the obvious, though, knowing that even if he hung with Puck he was still very much a loser. He highly doubted she would want a loser's compliments.

Thankfully, the bell rang before she could press him further, allowing Ray to run out of the room almost immediately. Unfortunately, Santana was waiting for him in his first period AP Calculus class.

"Didn't know you liked Math this much," he said sliding into the empty seat next to her at the back of the class. "Or are you gonna stalk me now?"

Santana snorted. "You're one to talk, _nerd_. At least I have Coach's crazy requirements as an excuse for being in the AP classes. What's yours?"

"I have a lot of free time."

Without another word he turned away and pulled out a fresh notebook and his Math text. He really did not want to have to hear the girl's insults if he had another option available. As it was, he needed to get ready for class anyway.

Thankfully, Santana seemed content to ignore him for the moment, content to file her nails as they waited for their teacher to arrive. It was almost as if the previous two conversations had not occurred and he was still a relative stranger to her, not that he was complaining. Far from it. He may not have been able to finish his sketch but not being the focus of Santana's attention meant that he could just sit and observe her without interruption and observe he did.

Santana Lopez was not a classic beauty. She did not have that Grace Kelly elegance about her that seemed to revolve around her captain nor did she have that dancer's grace that Brittany had, so reminiscent of the movie stars of old. No, in so many ways he thought she was just as beautiful but more tempestuous and _different_ than the others.

Sun-kissed skin made its appearance every time she moved and full, red lips seemed to call to him, daring him to touch and taste and just let go. He longed to tangle his fingers, calloused from hours of plucking at string in the hope of producing something he hoped to call music, in black waves of silk as dark eyes threatened to consume him. Quinn may have been his heart and soul but Santana? She was his temptress, the dark seductress of film noire who could destroy him in one move.

He gulped and moved to turn away, urging his body to calm down, when the fluttering of a piece of paper caught his eye near his notebook. Picking it up, he allowed himself a small smile at the content.

**Nerd, you never answered my question. Why'd you do that sketch?**

Grabbing a pen from its place in his binder he thought for a moment before he wrote.

I like to draw beautiful things. You were there at the moment so I drew you.

**That still doesn't answer my question Nerd.**

Don't call me that. Besides, I just told you. I like to draw beautiful things.

**You think I'm beautiful?**

He caught her eyes and slowly nodded, as if to place emphasis on the fact. She flushed.

**Charmer. Pity that line doesn't work on me. Besides, I know I'm hot stuff so you don't have to tell me.**

Ray shook his head and quickly drew something that vaguely resembled a breaking heart before writing his reply. His hands were shaking so much that even he had some difficulty trying to decide what it was.

I'm not saying you're hot.

**Then what are you saying?**

You're just naturally beautiful. Hotness is artificial. Beauty…it's natural.

He watched her eyebrows shoot up at this but he did not care about her reaction in that instant. What he cared about was making this girl understand that he thought she beautiful and that was all there was to it. Too many girls in this school were forced into being something they were not and, while he was not aiming to play the hero who saved them from their own self-destruction, there were still very much two girls he wanted to escape from that fate.

"Ms. Lopez, is there something more interesting and important in the back of the classroom that I should be aware of?"

"N-No, Mr. Travis," Santana stuttered out, sounding as surprised as he felt. Ray had forgotten that they were in class.

"And you, Mr. Corcoran?"

"Nothing at all, sir."

After that Santana ignored him for the rest of the class. He was mostly glad for the reprieve, knowing that he was not quite ready for the inevitable questions he knew would come when she made the connection between his name and the girl whose absence was glaringly obvious. Somehow, he did not think that "Sorry. I'm actually an FTM person who was thrown out of his home by his fathers in exchange for the super dangerous, super expensive surgery and taken in by his biological mother only to have said fathers try to buy his forgiveness from the grave two weeks later when they were T-boned on the way to New York" would not go over well with her.

He shook his head at his own thoughts and returned his attention to his notebook, not wanting to let Santana read the emotion he was sure would be all over his expression when their eyes met. She may not have been able to read people as well as he knew Brittany could, but he was sure that Santana would be able to read him like a book.

Again, the silence only lasted as long as the class did. Ray was on his way to drop off most of his books due to the increasing pain in his back when he saw her leaning against the locker next to his. Wincing as he readjusted his bag, he tried to ignore that sharp gaze as he approached her.

"I'm going to have to start giving credence to that stalking theory if you keep showing up like this. I mean twice is a coincidence but if you show up a third time…"

Santana just glared at him, forcing a tired sigh out of Ray. Barely a couple of periods into the day and already he wanted to just go home and play video games instead of staying in school. This was not a good way to start off the day.

"Okay," he relented unenthusiastically, "just ask. You know you want to and I'd rather get this over with as soon as possible."

"Who are you?"

"Rachel Berry." His answer was met with a growl. "Well, I was Rachel Berry. Now I'm Ray Corcoran and before you say anything please remember that I'm not that girl anymore so really, your insults are useless. Besides, you were the one constantly approaching me, not the other way around."

As he spoke he was mentally preparing himself for the questions he was sure she was going to ask. He may not have wanted to answer them but he would anyway, if only to get it over with.

"Huh."

"Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get to class."

Santana said nothing else but he felt her just behind him, her presence making him more aware of his surroundings than anything else. He did not know what her game was but he was determined not to let her see him falter. She would tear him apart if she did see him like that, intimidated and scared.

Sliding into a seat at the back of his AP English class he picked up one of the assigned texts and smirked. He had read _Romeo and Juliet_ before, back when he was still trying to force himself into the role of the traditional girl, and he had tried to make himself swoon over the supposed romance of it all but he never could. It was just all so stupid, really.

"Do you know the one thing I've always regretted?"

The sound of Santana's voice, low and seductive in his ear was barely audible over the noise of the swiftly filling classroom but there was something about the way she was pressing her body against his in order to whisper in his ear that spoke of something more carnal than a desire not to be overheard.

"As a girl you were hot. I wanted to bang you so bad just to see how loud you really were. Now that you're a guy? I still want to."

Before she could continue the teacher walked in, pulling both of their attentions to the front. Unfortunately his relief did not last long as the lights shut off after it was announced that they would be viewing the movie first and then delve into the text later.

"Tell me, can you picture it?"

"Picture what?" he hissed, gasping sharply as a hand landed on his thigh.

"Us. Can you picture us?" Her hand moved ever so slightly closer to his torso. "Can you picture me naked in your bed and completely at your mercy?"

He shook his head but they both recognised the lie for what it was. He could picture it, had imagined it quite often enough that he had now resorted to doing his own laundry rather than letting his mother do it out of sheer embarrassment.

"Let me tell you how it would happen." She was pressed up against him now, her voice like molten lava. "You and I? We'd be hot, so hot as we fucked, skin sliding against skin while your mouth mapped my body and marked wherever you wanted."

The hand that had been on his thigh was now slowly moving towards his crotch as his cock stirred, spurred on by her words.

"I usually top but for you I'd be the one on the bottom. Can you see it? You would play with me first, dragging your dick from my lips to my breasts and then to my pussy." She moaned as she brought one of his hands around her waist and under her skirt. "Fuck, you'd probably play with my breast with your dick, slapping and rubbing them with it until they were covered in your jizz."

His fingers slipped into her panties and caressed her pussy just as she unzipped his jeans and slipped her hand into his boxers to jack him off. He had to clench his jaw to keep from moaning.

"Fuck you're big. How much?"

"Six when I'm soft, eight and a half plus three and a half wide when I'm hard. I've vain and I wanted something to…boast about."

"Damn. I'd let you do a lot to me with that. You make me…want…to be so…dirty."

She was close, he could tell, but Ray was not about to make Santana cum for him in the middle of class. Regretfully, he pushed her hand away and removed his before they could go any further. He would have to get himself off as soon as possible but he did not care.

"What did you think you were doing?"

She raised an eyebrow. "You were as into it as I was. Why don't you tell me?"

"I'm hopped up on so much sex hormones I'm like a frickin' kid in a toy store after they've just restocked the shelves," he growled, the effort to not just rub one out right there sending his emotions all over the place. "Of course I'm gonna jump you if you offer."

"What's the problem then?"

He sighed, not bothering to answer, before getting up to ask for a hall pass, the feelings passing through his head making it impossible for him to calm down.

* * *

Santana pulled away from Quinn's grip as soon as Coach Sylvester blew her whistle. To the rest of the school she was still pissed at the blonde and she needed to keep up the act for Quinn's sake. However, no one was near the water cooler, the rest of the team having gone into the locker rooms already, so she figured she could relax, if only until they had to leave the field.

"So," Quinn murmured, her arms wrapped around herself together. She was so close to breaking that it was the first image that always came to Santana's mind.

"So…?"

"You're really mad at me, aren't you?" she blurted and it was as if that question released a flood. "I mean, if you weren't okay with it then I wouldn't have –"

"Stop." Santana turned to her, completely confused as to where all of this was coming from. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've been avoiding me. The only time we spoke was during the fight and then at practice just now you froze every time I touched you. I just want to know what I did wrong."

"I haven't been –"

"Yes, you have! Even in class S. You sat with that new kid instead of me."

Santana was about to reply when Quinn's words hit her. She had been avoiding her ever since she saw Ray, saw the way he would look at the other girl whenever they were in the same space. For a moment, one selfish moment, she had allowed her insecurities to get to her because of it and forced Quinn into this state.

Wordlessly, she forced Quinn to sit on the bleachers while she stalked into the locker room. As she gathered first Quinn's things and then hers Brittany approached her. However, a small shake of her head and a regretful smile was enough to deter her other best friend. Brittany may not have known the majority of what had happened over the summer but Santana had told her enough for her to understand that sometimes she would have to reduce their time together for their captain's sake.

"Take care of her," Brittany whispered and, as she walked away, Santana breathed out, "Someone has to."

As she walked back to the bleachers she saw Ray leaning against the tunnel wall. Catching his eye she saw how much he wanted to be the one walking out to Quinn instead of her. He wanted to be the person who took care of her but he knew, they both did, really, that he was not ready to deal with Quinn. Santana was sure that she was the only one who was and even then there were moments when she doubted her own abilities.

With a stiff nod she passed him by, the knowledge that they would see each other soon crackling like a dormant flame between them in spite of the situation they found themselves in. She did not let that thought linger, could not let it linger, as she continued her solitary walk to the bleachers. She needed to stay blank, to not let her anger take over until she was alone. It was not healthy but Quinn deserved better than to bear its force unjustly.

The other girl did not protest when she pulled her up or when she interlaced their fingers. She led her to the parking lot and pushed her into the passenger side before climbing into the driver's side. As soon as they were on the road she took Quinn's hand again and brought it to her lips.

It was not a romantic gesture, it could not be. She knew Quinn needed just one person to love her but she could not be that person, she was too late to be that person. She did not deserve to be the one who held Quinn's heart so she did not let herself fall further than she had already, at least not willingly. No, the simple brush of lips against skin was not meant to be romantic. It was just a way of reassuring the girl that she was there.

When they pulled up to the Lopez house Santana pulled Quinn out of the car and led her into the house and up to her bedroom. They only stopped once to acknowledge her mother briefly and only then did Quinn smile, albeit only for a moment. Santana understood why. After all, Maribel Lopez had always been the one to open the door during the summer, always been the first to pull Quinn into her arms even as Santana was pulling her into her own.

"Mija…"

"Later Mami," Santana pleaded as she made to close her door. "I promise."

Once the door was shut she turned to Quinn who was just standing in the middle of the room holding herself again. No words were spoken as Santana stripped first herself and then Quinn until they were facing each other in only their bras and panties before pulling her towards the bed and under the covers.

When Quinn turned to face her she did not hesitate to wrap an arm around her waist and hold her as close as she possibly could. Their legs tangled together and Quinn tucked her head into Santana's chest, tears streaming down her face and wetting the girl's skin as she cried, always soft and always silent.

She rubbed Quinn's back, all the while wondering why she would never say anything when she got like this. Just once she wanted Quinn to not be so damn strong, to just let go. Just once, she wanted her to be free.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Crimson Pouring Through My Veins

**Chapter:** 2

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Pezberry (friendship and initial romance), Quinntana (friendship and slight romance), Puckleberry friendship, Samchel (one-sided for now), Kum, New Directions

**Word Count:** 3,940

**Spoilers:** Canon up to the end of Season 1

**Summary:** They're both drowning in their own emotions. The only difference is, he wants to save her and she wants to fall.

**A/N: **Um, right. So I'm back and finally have time to write so hopefully updates on everything will come in at least every two days or so. I have no idea what to say about this and don't ask me why but Santana's softer side gets shown first in this fic. Also, please don't hate me for this.

Read, review and enjoy.

**A/N2:** Nearly forgot, I'm dedicating this fic to both **fanaticfaberryfanfiction** and my tumblr wife **shyro-vindan** who helped me make sense of the things in my head while I was still trying to work this out.

**A/N3: **For anyone wondering who Ray looks like, thing Milo Ventimiglia. Specifically: the image on his IMDB profile or i28 photobucket com/albums/c213/kelynngui/MiloVentimiglia jpg (replace spaces with dots)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

She tried not to think as her back hit the wall, Ray's mouth at her neck as her bare torso rubbed against his shirt. It was not really that hard most of the time to lose herself but there was something different about him, something that she desperately needed to figure out before it was all shot to Hell.

His hand came up to her breast hesitantly and he pulled back to look at her for a moment. There was a strange vulnerability in Ray's dark eyes that drew her in, pulling her towards this boy standing n front of her. He was scared but he was also tired and it showed.

Leaning towards him until their foreheads were touching, Santana kissed him softly and pressed his hand against her breast. Moaning as he kneaded it gently, she tangled her fingers in his hair and used her other hand to unbutton his shirt.

His muscles tensed slightly when she ran a single finger down his chest to his waist but Ray did not stop her. Loosening the hold she had on his hips with her legs, she unbuckled his belt and undid his jeans. It was at this point that he pulled away from her and moved towards the bed, his head in his hands.

"I'm supposed to be in love with Quinn. I _am_ in love with Quinn."

"I know."

"So then why do I want you so much?"

Santana did not answer him. Instead, she straddled his lap and tilted his chin up to kiss him. Their lips moved together slowly, letting the hesitation and doubt turn itself into a quiet passion that they found themselves unable to run from.

She honestly could not have answered with anything else at the moment, her knowledge of what he was feeling becoming too much to handle on her own. She did not want to have to deal with it because then she would have to deal with her own feelings, something she was very much loath to do.

His tongue sneaked into her mouth as his hands moved up to massage her side, eliciting a low moan from Santana that he swallowed. She welcomed him as he fumbled inside her mouth for a few more seconds before gaining a small bit of confidence.

The way he touched her was gentle, hesitant and almost completely unsure. She could tell that was intimidated by her and oh so vulnerable at the same time. He wanted this, the evidence of that was pressing into her core through their clothes, but he did not know what to do.

"I can teach you," she whispered, pulling away to look at him. "I can show you what you need to know to make her want you, to make her come back every single time."

"No," he returned with a groan as she began to grind into him, their foreheads touching and lips a breath apart. "I don't want to learn that from you. This…fuck….this is about you and…me. Didn't we agree…that it was nothing more than…than sex?"

"Your first time shouldn't be a casual hook-up." She had seen that from the moment he had drawn her and she could no longer deny it, hiding away from the truth. "You're too good for this."

"I'm not good. I'm not, okay?"

"You are!" Tears were coming to her eyes now and no matter how much she tried she could not stop them. "You're a lot better than the rest of us and you shouldn't waste this on someone like me."

Her insecurities were attacking her in full force, tearing down the walls she had built to keep them out. Quinn, Ray and Brittany were her light but she did not deserve them. She was a common whore who let the boys of McKinley use her so thoroughly that her innocence had died so long ago. She had taken Brittany with her, sweet Brittany who was always there for her, and she had not been able to protect Quinn from the darkness that seemed to permeate all their lives. She was weak, she knew it, but she refused to let Ray be destroyed by the same things that had destroyed them.

"You're probably right," he acquiesced, shifting and moving backwards until she was on her back while he hovered over her, "but I don't care about that. I jus want to do this with you because you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever met and just once I want you to believe me when I say those words. Please, if you won't listen then let me show you."

She raised her hand to push him away but he shook his head weakly, his eyes pleading, and pressed it to his chest. There was a steady thumping against her palm, barely there and slightly faster than normal but still steady.

There comes a moment in time when one heart meets another, two lonely souls colliding together in a perfect union of desire, need and trust. They may not understand everything about each other but what they do comprehend they cannot explain in words. They just know, in that one moment, that they have come home.

For Santana, she had only felt something similar to it twice before. The first time had been when she had mete Brittany. Those blue eyes had caught her so easily and held her enthralled for so long that she had come to fear what she felt for her. So, she hid and buried what she felt in a garden of thorns that was almost impenetrable.

Quinn had pushed her way through in freshman year when Lucy had still been more than just a memory. They would never admit to it but that first meeting would always define who they were to each other, who they wanted to but could never be for the other. It was also the day Santana grew up and stopped dreaming.

Then there was Ray, an enigma she wanted so badly to unravel and discover. She wanted to fall into him and find all his dark places, to find the secrets he seemed to hide so well. There was just something so deeply black about his manner, as if his soul lived in a perpetual night that he would never leave, that called out to her, telling her to come home.

To anyone looking at them it might have seemed so sudden but she knew better. Even when he was Rachel, Santana had wanted to discover what lay behind that diva persona. Even then she had felt the desire, had hidden the need behind the thorns next to her feelings for Brittany, perhaps even more so.

He leant in close when she nodded and she meet him halfway, lips, tongues and teeth dancing as Santana removed the rest of their clothes. Trailing soft kisses down her jaw and neck to her breasts, he entered her and she allowed herself to finally get lost in the feeling of him.

"So beautiful," he groaned as he thrust his hips against hers, his angle changing slightly as he learnt her body, "and you won't accept it. Why?"

She refused to answer him even as he brought the two of them to orgasm. He did not need to deal with her, not now and certainly not with the true extent of her foolish insecurities and impossible wishes. She could not let him see them, no matter how much she wanted someone to.

* * *

The yawn Ray stifled the next morning as he walked into McKinley was the only indicator of what had happened the night before when he had opened the door for Santana. His clothes were not his standard fare but that was just because he had not had the time to select exactly what he wanted to wear before leaving for school. His grey t-shirt was, perhaps, carelessly pulled on over a faded pair of black jeans and worn sneakers but he had been in a rush that morning to take his little sister to their grandmother's before getting to school. The darker grey jacket he wore over it was only in a slightly better condition but that was only because it had been lying in a crumpled mess on the backseat of Shelby's car for the past few days. He was tired but he did not let it show in his outward appearance.

Puck was waiting for him at his locker, his gaze dark enough to cause Ray to lower his headphones so that they hung around his neck when he approached him. There was always something that affected ray when he got like this but he could never say what it was.

"Noah," he grunted as he moved to switch the books in his bag with those in his locker. "What can I do for you?"

"Santana called me this morning. She wanted your number."

Ray stopped what he was doing and glanced at Puck. They were both aware of how he felt about Quinn and they both knew that, under normal circumstances, he would pursue her until she gave in or destroyed him. However, Puck had no clue about what had occurred between him and Santana by the bleachers and Ray knew that.

It was not something he was prepared to share just yet. Both the scene he had witnessed and the way he seemed to instinctively understand what he saw in Santana's expression when she passed by him, that pain and that fear, they were things that he was more than willing to keep to himself. So, instead of telling Puck as he usually would have done, he settled for a shrug.

"Did you give it to her?"

"No, not even when she begged me for it." He sighed and ran a hand through his Mohawk. "What did you do, man? If she knows and tries to do something to you…"

His words trailed off but Ray knew what he meant to say anyway. The fear that the bullying would increase once the truth came out had always haunted him, sometimes to the point of wanting to run rather than face the ones who would harm him. Yet, he had told Santana part of the truth and she had not been repulsed by him. She had not even tried to change him, just accepting who and what he was. That had to count for something, right?

He would have said something along those lines but pale arms wrapping around his waist and a mess of blonde hair prevented him from doing so. He awkwardly patted the girl's back before he pulled away.

"You must be Ray," the girl grinned. He smiled at her, not wanting to waste precious oxygen that he needed to not faint. Brittany had literally hugged it out of him. "I'm Brittany."

"Um, hi," he said as he extricated himself, unsure of what he should do. "Not to be rude or anything but why did you hug me?"

"San told me to," Brittany replied, gesturing to the girl who was making her way to them. "You're on her red list now which means it's okay to hang out with you."

"Red list?" He raised an eyebrow and moved his eyes to Santana. "May I enquire as to what that is and why I'm on it?"

"It's my list of people who I think are the shit. If you're on it you're protected from everyone but me. 'Sides, you're passable even if you're a total loser, Wonder Nerd, so you're on the list." She shrugged and turned to Puck. "Have you seen Fabray? Her ass took off after Cheerios and I can't find her anywhere."

"Nope. Why do you want her anyway? You tried to kill her yesterday."

Ray tuned out of the conversation much as he had the day before and focused on making sure that he had everything he would need. His first period was Music and he did not want to be late. It was already bad enough that he would no longer be an active member of Glee, what with Schuester's blatant favouritism. He was not going to jeopardise his chances at actually indulging in music this year, even if it was in a class he had taken as a child and did not care to attend on principle only.

After homeroom he found himself in the auditorium as he waited for the rest of the class to arrive. Shelby was already there, having applied to teach at McKinley when Ray had gone to live with her. They were staring at the same piece of music, the silence tense but no longer awkward after nearly two months of living with each other.

"Are you sure can do this?" she finally asked. "You gave up singing but I haven't heard you play since that first week, either."

He nodded, moving to the piano and trailing his fingers along the ivory keys. Sitting, his hands seemed to move of their own accord, the notes forming an achingly haunting harmony that he was more than familiar with. How many times had he played this song, wishing and wanting and needing but never receiving anything? How many times had he tried to bring back the dead with this song and failed?

Everything was gone, his entire life a lie, and all it had taken was one simple request to do so. He was so stupid to think that nothing would change, that he would get to keep his past innocence. He was so naïve to think that there would be no consequences, to think that he would not have to pay.

As he finished his eyes met his mother's, the familiar brown piercing him and laying everything bare. They were too similar sometimes for her to not know him for what he was.

"If I gave this up then I would have nothing else. I need it, Shelby. I _need_ it."

Shelby nodded, seeming to understand all too well and, for that, he was grateful. Theirs was not the perfect relationship, still too new and vulnerable to her doubts and his fits of anger, but she had taken him in when he had nowhere else to go. They were trying and it showed in the way that he though of her as more than just a mother or the woman who had taken him in, even if he still could not call her Mom.

Sometimes he wondered if his fathers would have cared about that had they still been alive. He was never entirely sure if they would approve and that question haunted his dreams at least once a week. It was not healthy to dwell so much on the dead but he could not help it.

The sound of Shelby's voice calling the class to order drew him back to reality and he jumped off the stage, taking a seat in the back as he now noticed that the others had arrived. He observed them quietly as his classmates introduced themselves, noting that most of them held wind instruments in hand, although there were a few strings here and there.

A familiar red and white uniform caught his eye and he found himself staring at the back of Quinn's head. Her body was tense and he could imagine all too well the blank expression she would adopt to hide what she was really feeling. Something told him that whatever it was would result in a repeat of the scene he had witnessed the day before. Suffice it to say, Santana would kill him if anything were to happen and she knew that he was there to witness it and did nothing.

Ray was forced to look away when Shelby called his name, causing him to look at her in confusion. It was only after a minute that he realised that it was his turn.

"Ray Corcoran. My instrument's the piano although I can play the violin and the guitar as well. I play at a professional level so I don't really understand why I'm here. Just that I am."

Everyone was staring at him but he only had eyes for one person and she was meeting his gaze directly. There was a hint of recognition there, as if she knew him but could not determine how.

Ray was the first to look away, unable to hide the way she made him nervous. Eh never could and he knew it was the one weakness he would never be able to rid himself of.

"That remains to be seen," Shelby said, cutting into his thoughts before addressing the class as a whole. "Now, I'm going to assume you know how to read basic notation?"

All of the students nodded. They were all, except for Quinn and Ray, the same students who had been in the class the previous year as well as the jazz band. Ray even recognised a few from his piano classes.

"Good. This class I want to hear you play and the next one will focus on scales and triads, just to get a measure of where you are. You'll also have a project to be presented at the end of the year that will count as part of your final grade."

She began handing out sheets of paper to each student. When Ray received his, his eyes widened in surprise. He had not been expecting this.

"You are going to compose a single song in any style of your choosing. However, as stated in the guidelines I just gave you, you will be paired up with a writing partner. Please note that since you will be in pairs I will be marking much more harshly than if you were doing it individually. Your partners have already been chosen and I will leave the list with Ms. Fabray after class."

If Shelby noticed the brief deer-in-headlights expression that had flitted across Quinn's face then Ray was positive that she was ignoring it. However, he had seen it and wondered what it meant. This was Quinn, after all, and she was always all to happy to latch on to anything that might give her control even if only for the briefest of moments.

He wondered why but almost immediately dismissed it when he heard his name being called again. Shelby gestured to the piano. With a small groan he got up thinking that it was going to be a long class.

* * *

Fear was not a new emotion for her. She had felt it many times in the past and, no matter how hard she tried to deny it, she would feel it many times in the future. Still, the white hot dread surging through her nearly paralysed Santana when she saw Quinn being surrounded by the other members of her music theory class.

The only person not near her was Ray who was standing on the auditorium stage, completely oblivious as he concentrated on the music lying on the piano. It seemed as if some things would never change, a sentiment she was surprised to feel.

A small, almost inaudible whimper caught Santana's attention and she returned her focus to Quinn. The girl had somehow managed to make her way to Santana's side but the crowd had followed her, shouting different variations of the same question. Glancing at Quinn it was only then that she noticed the paper clutched on the other girl's hand.

She pried it gently away from hr and scanned it briefly. It held names and genres of music for what she assumed was a project of some kind. Her eyes travelled briefly to ray in slight amusement, surprised that he did not seem the least bit interested in what was going on.

"Santana," Quinn whispered, sounding close to hyperventilation, "I need to get out of here. _Please_."

"Sure, just let me handle the losers."

With a piercing whistle Santana called the room to attention. She grabbed the nearest person and shoved the list at him with whispered instructions to take care of it before glaring at all of them.

"Fabray is off-limits. Ever crowd her like that again and I will ends you, understand?"

She did not bother to wait for a reply, simply taking her hand and leading her out of the auditorium. Halfway down the corridor she heard their names being called. When she turned she found herself almost face to face with Ray. They were so close that she had to take a step back before she did something that she would regret doing in front of Quinn, like kiss him.

"What is it? I don't have all day, NerdBoy."

He cocked his head to the side for a moment, smiling that stupid smile that always seemed to charm her.

"Your insults really are harmless, you know that?" Before she could reply he turned to Quinn. "We're partners."

"I know." Santana could hear the slight tremor in her voice, the remains of a panic attack they just narrowly managed to avoid. "I-I'll make time to arrange to do it with you later."

"It's not that," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I just…look, my mother adopted a baby I'm told is yours and I don't want things to awkward so can we just do this at yours? I'm available at three on Saturday after soccer practice."

Santana forced her expression to remain neutral. Ray's acting was impressive, to say the least, and she almost believed him. Had it not been for the way he spoke so coldly she would have, but his resentment was too obvious to ignore.

"I see." Quinn, it seemed, had picked up on it too, her ice queen persona quickly coming to the surface. "I suppose Puckerman told you about it, did he?"

"Yes." Dread cemented itself in Santana's stomach at that one word but there was something about the way that he was looking at Quinn, almost with disgust, that stopped her from interfering. "He told me exactly what happened between you two last year."

"Then you'll know that the people you trust wouldn't hesitate to drop you," Quinn hissed, advancing on him. "Puckerman was the one at fault that time. He uses people and throws them away as it suits him. After all, he was the one who wanted nothing to do with the baby when he found out. You don't fit his image and he'll get rid of you like he did me as soon as he realises that you're too much of a loser for even his reputation.

"Then there's your mother. Did you know that Ms. Corcoran had another daughter, that she became a whore just for some easy cash? The best fucking part is that her daughter is as much of a loser as you are and that's why her own mother abandoned her in favour of my baby. Hell, she's less of a loser than you are because she, at least, knows to stay away from this school, this place where her presence isn't wanted.

"Tell me, how long until Ms. Corcoran abandons you too? How long until she realises that you're less than nothing to her? That my offspring is better than anything you could ever hope to be?"

Santana waited for an answer but it never came. Instead, there was such despair, such utter defeat in his eyes as he stared at them that her heart ached for him. Yet, there was only silence, made all the more painful when he simply turned and walked away. After all, the things Quinn had said were true in the most painful of ways.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Crimson Pouring Through My Veins

**Chapter:** 3

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Pezberry (friendship and initial romance), Quinntana (friendship and slight romance), Puckleberry friendship, Samchel (one-sided for now), Kum, New Directions

**Word Count:** 3,694

**Spoilers:** Canon up to the end of Season 1

**Summary:** They're both drowning in their own emotions. The only difference is, he wants to save her and she wants to fall.

**A/N:**I have nothing to say except that I've been reading _other people's_ fics instead of working on my WIPs. *bows head in shame* They're so good though and the fact that I've finally started Doctor Who really doesn't help (how many of you are Amy/Eleven shippers or are there really so few of us?). Anyway, there's a poll on my profile concerning one of my other fics and how my priority list (see my intheforestofthenight tumblr) is set up. Go vote.

Read, review and enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did.

* * *

**Chapter Three**

There was always something oddly beautiful about watching the sun set over the school. He did not know why but he never could stand to miss it. Most always thought that he would sit there to watch the football team but they were wrong. While he would be the first to admit that watching Noah's muscles flex and work while the team ran through various drills was an arousing sight, the sunset was the true attraction for him. It was always the one thing that managed to keep him grounded when everything else was falling apart around him.

Ray frowned at the thought. Always he had wanted to feel that way about _someone_ not _something_. He knew that he was a difficult person to deal with, even as Rachel, but was he really that unlovable? Was there not someone out there who could love him completely and unconditionally?

The loneliness stung sometimes but he had learnt to ignore it and carry on in life. So why did it hurt so much now? Why was his chest constricting so painfully around his heart that he could barely feel anything but that horrible weight threatening to push him under?

A tentative touch to his hand brought him back to reality and he found himself pulling away from Santana. He did not miss the hurt that flashed across her face but there was something in him that had been broken after Quinn had finished speaking and he just could not bring himself to care. He could not bring himself to feel anything but the pain.

"Ray, I know what she said was out of line but –"

"Out of line?" he growled, cutting off her defence. "Quinn wasn't out of line, Santana. She was fucking cruel and mean."

"Does Puckerman know? About what she said?"

He studied her expression for a moment before shaking his head slowly. He was not accustomed to the fear he had seen there. It was almost as if she was afraid that Puck would do something to Quinn. He did not particularly care, really, but there was still this desire to calm Santana that he himself did not understand.

"I was going to but it seems that I'm too much of a masochist and too little of a sadist to actually do it. Noah wouldn't hurt her but I don't want him to try to make me feel better either, not when our time is ending soon."

He gazed out into the twilit distance, trying to clear his mind. He knew he would never fit in and he was growing tired of trying. He just wanted it all to end already so that he could walk away in his failure and try to salvage a life, however tedious it would inevitably be.

"It hurts, you know," he choked out after while, no longer able to fend off his thoughts or his emotions. "Being alone all the time fucking hurts. I should be used to it by now, everyone leaving. I mean, all three of my parents did it at one point or another and all my boyfriends were the ones to break up with me, not the other way around. I just…I just want it to stop."

His voice cracked on the last word and he found himself being pulled into Santana's body, her hand pressing his head into her chest. The sad, exhausted little boy inside of Ray came out then, clutching the front of her shirt as he silently shook with sobs that he dared not give voice to.

Ten minutes later when he heard Shelby's voice he unlatched himself from her and allowed the older woman to take Santana's place. She said nothing; just led him to the car and helped him into the passenger's side before taking the keys he weakly offered to her.

Once they had picked up Beth and gotten home he migrated to his room and crawled under the covers. It did not matter that he was hungry or that he had done little more than shrug off his jacket and kick off his shoes. He just wanted to escape and sleep was the only way he knew how.

Not too long after he had gotten settled in bed, however, he heard the door open and felt the mattress dip not too far from his waist. When he felt a hand on his arm he cracked open an eye to find Shelby sitting there, Beth cradled against her.

"I heard you had a run-in with Quinn Fabray today?"

"Yeah," he said as he sat up and scooted back to lean against the headboard. "I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable but, I don't know. I think she heard something in my voice."

"Ray…"

"I know, Shelby, and I'm trying. Out of everyone I'm the one who wants to be able to accept this the most but why her daughter? Why does Beth have to have come from her?"

Shelby wrapped her fingers around his arm and pulled him into a one-armed hug, letting go only to stroke his hair. Part of him still hated her for abandoning him when they had finally found each other but then there would be moments like this when he could not help but hope that things between them could change. All he had ever wanted was a mother and he still did not have her completely but he still hoped that one day he could.

"You should hold her," Shelby said after a while. "It might help, you know."

"I don't know," he replied, pulling away and eying the little girl hesitantly. She was remarkably quiet in Shelby's arms as she clutched at the woman's shirt and looked about curiously. "I wouldn't want to hurt her or anything."

Shelby rolled her eyes. "Clearly hanging around your uncle and Noah Puckerman has done some damage to your IQ now that you're a boy since I had to tell them both the same thing the last time they were here. You won't hurt her. Besides, I think Beth likes you. She's always smiling when you're around."

He looked sceptical at this but allowed Shelby to place Beth in his arms anyway. As he cradled her against his chest he looked at her in wonder. Who would have thought that he would be holding the child of his best friend and the girl he wanted in a situation like this? He certainly had not and the strangeness of it was not lost on him.

Beth gurgled and reached out to touch the underside of his jaw, a happy toothless smile adorning her face. He tweaked her nose gently and she laughed, nuzzling closer into him. Looking up, his eyes met Shelby in awe as he muttered two words.

"Thank you."

* * *

Quinn curled herself into a ball at the bottom of the stairs as she waited for her parents to call her into the dining room. It had been nearly a month since her mother had let her father return and things had soon returned to how they were before she had become pregnant.

The sound of chairs scraping against the wooden floor caught her attention and not a minute later she heard her father calling for her. She got up and made her way into his presence, careful to make eye contact just as he had always demanded. When he raised his glass she flinched but he just drank from it before setting it on the table again.

"Your mother has told me that there's a new teacher at school." It was not a question. "She has also mentioned that this is the woman who adopted your bastard child."

Quinn wanted to defend her daughter, to tell her father not to insult one of the few good things that came out of the previous year but she could not. Instead, she just nodded and quietly said, "Yes, sir."

"She also appears to have a son, correct?"

"Yes, sir." She wanted to look away but she knew the consequences for such an action all too well. "He's in my music theory class as well as my AP classes, sir."

She was actually surprised when she had first seen him. Not many people knew the truth about Shelby and Rachel's relationship and, of those who did, Quinn was sure that none of them knew about Ray.

"I want you to date this boy."

"Sir?" Quinn asked, surprised at the demand. "I don't understand."

"Of course you don't, fool," Russell snapped, drinking more of the scotch. "I want you to start dating him. Shelby Corcoran may have a questionable past but she also has connections that can elevate you in society should she see fit to pass them to you. I expect to hear that you've made progress by the end of the week. Now go on up to bed."

Quinn obeyed her father's order, her mind still reeling as she tried to process what he demanded of her. As she climbed the stairs and got ready for bed she wondered if she could even do it. That morning Santana had confessed to having sex with him and wanting to see where her new "friendship" would go. If she did as she was told then Quinn would have to take him away and Santana would never forgive her.

She could not lose Santana. The other girl was her anchor to reality, keeping her from floating away into a fantasy that would never be. She needed that. After this summer, she needed Santana.

Wrapping her arms around her pillow as she closed her eyes, Quinn wished that she was strong enough to defy her father. She was weak and she knew that. She just did not know how long she would last this time before giving in.

* * *

The blaring of his ring tone was not what woke Ray up nor was it the whimpering of the baby tucked into his side although either of those would have done the trick anyway. Instead, it was the insistent tapping at his window that had dragged him out of his subconscious into the waking world like a demon out for blood. Glancing at it, he was mildly surprised to see Santana there even as a small smile made itself known. It seemed that his metaphor was apt for the situation.

He made sure that Beth would not be able to roll off of the bed before going over to the window to let Santana in. she quickly clambered over the sill, pulling him into a deep kiss as soon as she could. He backed into the nearest wall and turned so that he was pinning her against it with his hips while his tongue plunged into her mouth and massaged hers.

"Mmm," he moaned, pulling away and resting his head against her shoulder. "That's one way to say hello. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. Can we…?"

He laughed and at the unfinished question but shook his head. "Unfortunately for us I have a guest and she gets very moody if woken up."

"You do realise you made Beth sound like she's your girlfriend, right?" Santana asked with a raised eyebrow before frowning. "Are you okay, though? I mean, really okay?"

He sighed and pulled them to the bed where he pulled his sister against him again with a sad half-smile. "I won't ever be really okay but I'm working on it. It helps that even though I'm still upset over this and I can't face Shelby sometimes, I can still look at this little girl and still feel some form of hope that it will get better."

He was not lying. Once Beth had been forced into his arms he felt his resentment and anger slip away for the moment. He could not blame a child who had no more control over her parents' actions than he did. It helped that he had quickly become enamoured with the baby, enough so that he had begged Shelby to leave her with him when she fell asleep.

He did not know how long he stood there but it could not have been very long if, when he did finally turn back to Santana, she was not angry. In fact, he could have sworn that she was amused.

"What?" he asked with a nervous grin.

"Nothing, really. I'm just trying to imagine what will happen when she's old enough to start dating. You'll probably go into some sort of weird big brother mode won't you? God forbid, if he's anything like Puck, too."

He shrugged. Puck was a good guy so he was not particularly bothered by that thought. Then the idea of her bringing home a girl like Santana entered his mind and he found himself holding back a growl of frustration. He was not sure he or Shelby would be able to handle that.

"Why are you really here Santana?" he asked, changing the topic before he voiced his thoughts. "Why are you being so nice to me now?"

She did not immediately respond and, for a moment, he thought she would not. He was about to take it back when Santana pulled him closer to her, mindful of the baby in between them, kissed his palm and started to speak.

"What Quinn said in the hallway was true." He moved to pull away but she stopped him with a firm arm against his stomach. "No, stop and listen will you? She was right but not in the way she wanted to be. Puck and Shelby do seem exactly like that but Q hasn't seen the way he looks at you. Puck adored you as Rachel and now that you're Ray it's like he's found his long-lost twin or some shit like that."

"And Shelby?" he asked, unable to meet her eyes.

"I don't know but she's here, right? Look, there's just something about you when you loosen up that attracts people to you. You were always so guarded before that you pushed people away but this version of you? It's charming and sweet and so genuine that it's almost nauseating.

"I'm so happy to produce that reaction in you," he muttered dryly, allowing his body to relax once more. "After all, it's what I live for."

"Yeah, well, just deal with it." She yawned and cuddled into him, careful not to crush Beth who was still asleep between them. "Now shush. You're comfortable and I wants to get some sleep before I head back home."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

Quinn crawled into bed again slowly, careful not to put too much pressure on her muscles in case the pain increased. She hated when this happened but at least it was only her ribs this time. She had had to suffer through much worse before and she had pulled through then. She would not allow herself to be weak again.

With a great burst of energy she managed to turn so that she was lying on her back, her eyes glued to the ceiling. This way, at least, she could force her mind away from the pain, somewhat. It was not always something that worked but sometimes, when the bruising did not extend to her back and thus allowed her at least one comfortable position in which to lie, she found that thinking about other events, other feelings helped. Thankfully, this was one of those times.

Her mind flashed to the Ray. He was handsome in a sweet artistic way and he moved with a confidence that bordered on smug without being arrogant about it somehow. Supposedly he was Miss Corcoran's son but there was very little resemblance to her and, consequently, Rachel. However, the way he approached her, the way he spoke was too familiar to deny it then.

She wished she could have not reacted to him the way she did but he was so achingly familiar that her defences had gone up immediately. He just had this way of looking at her as if he could see through her that overwhelmed her to the point where she could either lash out or implode.

The sound of glass hitting the wall caused her to flinch and she reached for her phone. Scrolling through her contacts Quinn paused at one particular name before continuing on to Santana's entry. When the line picked up after the second ring the tears began to fall.

"Q? It's nearly midnight," Santana's sleepy voice answered. "What is it hermosa? What's wrong?"

"Tana, please…Need you…"

* * *

Santana knew that she probably should not have been speeding through Lima but she did not care. She was all too aware of what Russell Fabray was capable and she would die before she let Quinn go through that again.

As she drove, however, dark eyes haunted her memory, filled with an almost feral look as she explained rather vaguely why she had to leave. She had not paid much attention to it at the time, distracted as she was by Quinn's distress call, but now it seemed almost as if there was a hint of recognition there as well but that was not right. Surely Ray did not know what was going on?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of a familiar body waiting on the sidewalk in front of the disgustingly pristine Fabray house. She got out of her car quickly and helped Quinn get in, knowing that whatever injury the girl had would have been made worse by the effort it would have taken for her to get out of that house unseen.

Neither one of them spoke as she drove, not yet wanting to face what was going on. They were both good at that, hiding from truths they did not want to face, but sometimes Santana had to wonder if it was worth the pain to stop hiding.

When they pulled into her driveway, Santana turned the car off and led Quinn up to her room. She briefly considered telling her mother that she had returned and had brought Quinn with her but dismissed it immediately. She suspected that the woman probably already knew.

"I'm sorry," Quinn whispered once they had crawled beneath the blankets.

"For what?"

"For what I said earlier," she answered, burrowing closer to Santana. "I know you like him and I probably hurt his feelings and –"

"Don't. Ray's a big boy Q. He can take care of himself." She felt bad for playing off the apology but she needed Quinn to feel better. So what if she had to play down his reaction? "Besides, what's a few insults and hard truths compared to what he would have gone through if he hadn't been friends with me and Puck? He's aware of that too, come to think of it."

"I just…I miss her so much Tana. I miss her so damn much that I've lost control of everything. I shouldn't have said what I did but I couldn't stop myself."

Santana did not reply to this though she knew why Quinn had gone off on such a tangent so suddenly. They had talked about it over the summer and she could still see the marks it left on Quinn as closely as if they were actually visible.

Sometimes she wanted to hate Rachel Berry and curse her name for what she had done to her best friend but, knowing what she did now, she wondered if that would ever be possible. There was still the mystery of why, of course, but something told her she might not be able to handle what she would find out if she pushed for answers.

* * *

Ray sat on the edge of the bed, the syringe held shakily in his left hand as he stared at it. Two shots was all he needed, one to the vein in his arm and one to the vein in his thigh, but he did not know if he had the strength or the will to actually do it at that moment.

Lying back on the mattress with a sigh, he closed his eyes and pressed the point of the needle to his lower arm, just at that point below his elbow where he knew it had been administered before. It would work quickly, that much was a guarantee, but the pain that came with it was excruciating even if it was brief.

Clenching his teeth as first one shot and then another caused his body and blood to boil he tried to focus on Santana's expression as she had left. Fr a moment he had seen a flicker of fear and uncertainty that had chilled him, made worse by the knowledge that the phone call she had received mere moments before had been from Quinn. She had immediately replaced it with a neutral expression but it was enough to confirm what he already knew.

_Damn it!_ he thought, _Why can't I do anything?_

Oh how he wished he could be the one to rush to Quinn in that moment but he knew better. To her he was still a stranger and she was already scared. Going there would only escalate that fear and that was the last thing he wanted to happen.

He gasped as his veins suddenly froze, the needle-like chill coursing through him before it once again turned to flame everything he needed and dreaded all at once. He was relieved when no other sound escaped that would wake either Shelby or Beth. He had placed the infant in her crib in the nursery but even he was aware that his screams could be quite loud and he did not want to wake her if he could help it.

He clenched his fists and bit his lip until the pain finally subsided. Only then did he move from his position on the bed into a more comfortable one in which to fall asleep, eased by the knowledge that it would be another month before he had to experience that pain again. Hopefully, he reasoned as sleep claimed him, by then he would know where his relationships were headed.

* * *

**A/N:** So, originally the idea was for this to be an exploration of Rachel as she becomes Ray in a normal setting but, given the fact that a strange part of me wants Ray to eventually impregnate Santana with twins, I decided to head in a more science fiction-y direction with this so while it's still an angst fic and deals with transitioning from one biological sex to another, expect this to have some stuff dealing with genetic manipulation and secret societies and stuff like that. Also, for those worrying about the above comment, it's NOT a Pezberry endgame, as you'll see in the next few chapters. That's just a hint at what's to come later on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Crimson Pouring Through My Veins

**Chapter:** 4

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Pezberry (friendship and initial romance), Quinntana (friendship and slight romance), Puckleberry friendship, Samchel (one-sided for now), Kum, New Directions

**Word Count:** 3,410

**Spoilers:** Canon up to the end of Season 1

**Summary:** They're both drowning in their own emotions. The only difference is, he wants to save her and she wants to fall.

**A/N: **Hai hai! Here's chapter 4. It was going to be longer but the second part of this which will now be chapter 5 changes tone entirely so I decided to split it here.

Read, review and enjoy.

**A/N2:** I'm dedicating this fic to both **fanaticfaberryfanfiction** and my tumblr wife **shyro-vindan** who helped me make sense of the things in my head while I was still trying to work this out.

**A/N3: **The arrangement referenced here as the one Ray uses later is actually the one done by Jurgen Johannes and the Orchestral Academy of Los Angeles. The one he thought about doing is the Lewis Flores cover which is awesome on it's own.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Also, _Decode_ and _Twilight_ belong to Paramore and Stephanie Meyer respectively. Neither do I own _Sesame Street_ or _Pokemon_, obviously.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

She sauntered through the doors of the school, her uncertainty masked by the sneer she aimed at everyone else making it seem as if the last night had never happened. She was good at that, too good in her own opinion but that did not matter much in the end. It never mattered.

Santana was on her left, their fingers intertwined in a rare display of affection from the girl she forced into caring for her so often. She wanted to pull away, to give her back the freedom to hide behind her own mask but she lacked the strength necessary to do that. She was too selfish to do that.

She tightened her grip on Santana the nearer they got to her locker. She needed her, needed the safety and protection that she offered so willingly. She was dependant upon it, knowing that without the other girl she would shut down so easily. She did not want to be like that but there was no way out for her.

* * *

Ray leaned against Quinn's locker, sheet music in hand. His eyes were shut, blocking out the harsh glare of the world and he looked so peaceful at the moment that Santana was reluctant to disturb him. He had told her that he had trouble sleeping at night. Looking at him now, she could believe that.

His hair was messy and there was still stubble on his face, as if he had foregone shaving that day. Even though he was leaning against the locker casually she could still tell that he was barely able to stand on his own. It was as if he would fall the moment he stood straight.

Idly she wondered what could have caused this. She knew that it was not insomnia. He actually did sleep at night. So what was it that caused him to be so tired, to disturb his sleep and leave his appearance so unruly?

* * *

He was entrancing. Quinn could not take her eyes off of him. Before, she was too unsteady to even look at him for more than a few minutes, just long enough to note his appearance and talk to him without letting anything of the turmoil in her mind show, but not now. Anchored to reality by Santana she found that she could not look away from him now.

"You're staring," he said in a voice made husky by what she could only assume was sleep or a lack thereof. "I don't like it."

"Then don't stand in front of other people's lockers like a fucking creeper," Santana retorted, pulling away from Quinn to get to her bag. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Had a feeling you'd come in with the Ice Quinn." She flinched at that but she was not sure why his calling her that hurt. "I need your help with this."

He held the music out to her but Santana barely glanced at it, too busy looking for whatever she needed in her bag. Quinn wondered why Santana was even entertaining this request if she was not going to pay attention to Ray.

'Why? Can't you sing?"

"I'm not singing this. I'm playing it. Normally I'd just play it on my own with no accompaniment vocal or otherwise but there's a power to the lyrics that I need you for."

"You need me, huh?" Santana asked, finally looking up. "Sounds like familiar territory."

At this Quinn moved away from her slightly. She had always known that Santana slept around. She even knew that she and Ray had slept together on Monday. What she did not understand was why it had hurt so much to hear her allude to that.

She felt betrayed, somehow, as if her heart had been ripped out and crushed. She did not know why but she wanted to destroy Santana for it, to make her suffer. She just knew that she did.

She tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Santana ask what the song was. She did not look at him while he answered her but she felt Santana shift next to her as if to take the sheet music from him.

"Isn't this the song from _Twilight_? Didn't think you'd be a fan of that crap but then again, maybe you are."

"Not _Twilight_," came his gruff reply. "I just really like Paramore. The arrangement's not actually my own but I figured it'd do anyway. I already got the band to agree to play it so I just need a singer. You in?"

"Why can't you sing it?" Quinn interjected, meeting his eyes for the first time. "Why do you need Santana to sing for you?"

"She's my angel of music," he joked but his eyes remained cold. "I was originally going to use Lewis Flores' violin arrangement but I realised that it probably wouldn't go over well in glee club. Besides, I don't want to sing just yet."

"You're joining glee?"

"Joining is a bit of a stretch, really."

Quinn was confused, to say the least, but decided not to pursue the subject further. She had an actual reason to talk to him, she finally remembered, and she needed to take this chance before she lost it.

"Ray, I'm…I'm…sorry. What I said yesterday, it wasn't my place and I shouldn't have –"

"No, you shouldn't have but it's fine." He broke eye contact with her and she could detect a faint tremor in his voice as he continued. "It's true, though, so I don't blame you. After all, you only did what I wasn't brave enough to do; tell the truth."

Those words sounded so familiar to her, words she had replayed over and over in her mind when old memories came creeping back to her in the dead of night. She still saw Rachel's face from when she had come to apologise that day, still felt the same things she had felt then when he said those words. She would never be able to forget them.

* * *

Brittany stood at her locker some distance away as she watched Quinn and Santana talk to Ray. She had wanted to go up to them but there was something about the way Quinn stood, the way she seemed to fold into herself that stopped her.

Whenever Quinn started to do that, started to make herself smaller, Brittany stayed away from her. It was not because she could not handle Quinn in such a state or that she did not care. Quite the opposite, really. She did care and she always would but she knew that Quinn herself would never be able to handle such attention without breaking down.

Santana had never given her the full story about what had happened over the summer to make Quinn like this but she knew enough about the Fabrays to guess. She would never tell Santana, though, so she just continued to support them from afar.

When Ray broke off from the group she waved to the girls and bounced to his side, wanting to get to know him better. He reminded her of Rachel even though he was much quieter and not as oddly dressed. They had the same smiled that was always so bright and reached their eyes, though his was more hesitant, and he seemed like he would be just as shy as she was.

"Hey Ray-Ray," she greeted as she linked her arm through his.

"Hey Britt. What do you have after homeroom?"

"Physics," she replied, deflating at the thought, "but I really don't want to go."

"You don't like it?" he asked her.

She did not answer him immediately. How did you answer a question like that when you were not sure of the answer yourself? She wanted to tell him yes or no but she did not understand what she was being taught in the first place.

"I don't like that it confuses me," she replied quietly. "I just…I…I don't…It's like…"

* * *

Ray stopped Brittany from speaking and pulled her along until they had reached the auditorium which, thankfully, was not too far away by then. Looking around he noticed that Shelby was on the stage by the piano.

"Good," he muttered to himself before looking for a place where they would not be noticed. Any other teacher and they would have been in serious trouble but his mother he could work with.

"Ray," she called when she saw him before they could hide, "shouldn't you be in class?"

"It's homeroom right now and I need to talk to Brittany. I swear we won't cause any trouble for you."

"Ray…"

"Please," he begged, not caring that he was doing so in front of someone else. "We'll go to class right after. Besides, I have to be in here anyway for my first period music class."

"Fine." Shelby sighed and waved her hand to the back where they were. "Just this once but stay up there where you can't disturb me. Also, Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"If I catch your hands anywhere they shouldn't be then you'll be in detention. With me."

He groaned at the though of Shelby running detention. As a mother she was caring and attentive at the right moments. He had had seen it with Beth and, though she was more hesitant, with him. However, he also knew of a reputation for being a taskmaster when it came to her job.

Acknowledging her warning with a nod, he made his way to the corner furthest from the stage, pulling Brittany with him. They both dropped into their seats, deciding to stare at the ceiling.

"Am I broken, Ray?" Brittany asked, breaking the silence first. "Is…there something wrong with me or am I just stupid?"

"You're not stupid, Brittany." He did not lot at her, not wanting to see the tears that were sure to be present if she was crying. "You're smart in your own way. I mean, you can insult people in a way that they don't realise it until it's out there sometimes or, at least, when you want to be less than honest. To be able to trick people like that you have to be at least a little smart. I've heard Santana say that much and more."

"S doesn't count, Ray. She'll always defend me and sometimes even that feels like too much. I'm not a little kid!"

He nodded to that, saying nothing in return. He wanted to reassure her, to show Brittany that she was so much more than what she thought she was but he did not know how. So he just sat there, offering silent companionship.

After a while, Brittany leaned into him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. Automatically, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him.

"What do you want Brittany?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me what you want and I'll help you in anyway I can. I know I'm not Santana but still. Anything you want."

* * *

Quinn glanced over at Santana as they sat down and waited for homeroom to begin. They had both seen Brittany and Ray walk off together but Santana had not said anything about it. Even now she chose to be silent.

It bothered her. She had never known her to be so quiet when it came to the idea of Brittany and boys. Even if Quinn had not known about the clandestine relationship between the two girls she would have had to be blind to not see how protective Santana was of Brittany. Yet, she seemed to trust Ray around her. What was it about this boy that kept pulling her best friend in?

She wondered if it was sex. He was friends with Puckerman and Santana did not insult him as much as she did the other losers so maybe that was what it was. Or maybe it was power? Miss Corcoran's connections were what her father was interested in so maybe that was what attracted Santana too?

She frowned at the thought, sure that that was not what it was. Santana was nothing like her father. Sure, she liked money and power to the point where she could probably kill someone for it if given the right motivation but the fact that she trusted Ray to not hurt Brittany if her nonchalance was a clue said something more about their relationship. She just did not know what it was.

"Aww. Look at this Q."

She turned to look at Santana who was holding her phone out to her discreetly. On the screen she could see Brittany lying on what appeared to be the stage in the auditorium. Her eyes were closed and her head was resting on someone's chest while her arms were wrapped tightly around them. Looking closer she recognised the clothes as what Ray had been wearing earlier, meaning he was the one lying with Brittany.

"What…"

"Britt's been up late a lot, recently. She won't say why but I can always tell that she's exhausted. Apparently NerdBoy can too so he let her use him as a fucking pillow."

Quinn wanted to ask why he would do that, what was in it for him, but there was something in the way Santana smiled as she spoke that forced her to hold her tongue. She would let her questions about this stranger rest for now. She would let Santana _enjoy_ her time with him just a bit longer, if only to see that smile again.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by quickly with minimal action on his part. He attended his classes and slacked off at lunch as usual with Noah, not really wanting to talk to anyone else. Sometimes he would catch Brittany's eye and a grin would work its way onto his face, knowing that he _could_ actually help her. Other than her, however, he avoided the Unholy Trinity, the mess of emotions Quinn produced and the arousal Santana would try to incite more than he wanted to deal with at the moment.

He could not avoid them for long, however, as the time for glee finally approached. He could not avoid the other gleeks either and he knew that it was his own fault for that.

Standing outside of the choir room as he waited for Noah or Santana to arrive he scolded himself. He was the one who had insisted that Shelby not form a club of her won at the school unless he asked her to. He had wanted to give New Directions a chance but hearing the way they spoke about Rachel made him sick.

"Horrible, isn't it?" Santana's voice asked from his right. "It's almost as if they don't appreciate you."

"That was never me," he said with amusement, "at least, not completely me. What about you, though? Do you…appreciate me?"

"More than you think," she replied playfully, "but enough about how hot you are or think you are. Why this song?"

"Originally to show that I'm more than a voice and to give New Direction something new to work with. Now, though, I think it'll be something like a goodbye."

"I see."

"Don't get me wrong. Music's my life, still, but I don't think the kind of atmosphere Schuester fosters in there is right for me."

He gestured to the door and they both walked in, heading to the chairs at the top of the risers in the back. Although he noticed the silence and obvious staring that accompanied their entrance he did not acknowledge it, choosing instead to continue his conversation with Santana.

"My mother wanted to start one of her own but I asked her to wait. I think I'll give her the okay and help her out."

"Doing what, exactly?"

"I'll play for her. She knows I'd much rather do that anyway so it'd be no problem for her, given what she wants to do anyway."

"Wouldn't that make you the whipping-boy of the group?"

He laughed at that, genuinely amused. He had never thought of it like that but Santana was right in a way. He wondered if that was how Shelby saw it.

A weight on his lap other than the violin he had brought with him cut his laughter off. Wrapping his arms around Brittany's waist he glanced to his side only to see his instrument in Santana's hands as she examined it inside the case.

"You know, I was looking at the sheet music you gave me earlier."

"Yes?" He raised his eyebrow. Did she have a problem with the song? "What about it?"

"The violin's distinct but it's not as heavily featured as the piano."

He shrugged. "Maybe not but I don't feel like playing the piano for this song. In the original it's the guitar that takes the lead but this is an orchestral arrangement so it's the piano. However, take away the strings and it becomes somewhat stripped down. I didn't want that so I left it as is with the exception that you'll take the lead harmonies instead of the piano, rendering its presence almost void."

"How…"

"My man lives through music, Satan," Puck said as he joined them on Ray's other side. "I'm not sure if he knows what to do with his life if it isn't there."

Ray glared at him but did not get the chance to say anything in response as Brittany chose that moment to turn towards him with an expectant grin. Groaning, he shook his head but she just insistently nodded.

"Britt…"

"Please Ray? You promised."

When she pouted he knew he was a goner. Sighing exaggeratedly, he let her stand before doing so himself and going over to the piano. Brad was not there yet so he was free to take a seat as Brittany bounced over to the middle of the room.

Glancing at the risers he caught Puck's eye and grinned, gesturing for him to join them. He watched as both he and Santana got up and started to dance with Brittany as the opening chords of a medley of _Sesame Street_ songs spilled from his fingers. He had chosen the more light-hearted, fun songs to play and, seeing both Brittany and Santana grinning like two little kids, he thought it was worth it.

"Told you," Brittany said, approaching him when he was finished.

"Indeed. I'll never doubt you when you say you can dance to anything ever again." An idea struck him and he grinned. "Although…"

"What?" she asked warily.

"Let's make a bet. If you can dance to the first four _Pokemon_ theme songs I'll come to school in my underwear tomorrow."

Puck's eyes lit up when he heard this and he turned to Brittany, a pout already forming. "Please, Britt. Take the bet please."

To his amusement and then slight horror Santana joined him. "Yeah B. And he has to make out with the new kid with the huge lips too. Please."

Brittany nodded, a determined look on her face as she returned to the middle of the room. He had hoped that he would not be taken so seriously so he only had himself to blame but, as he began to play, he hoped that they would go easy on him.

"You're a moron, you know that?" Santana asked once he had stopped playing. "Don't take bets you know you won't win."

"Brittany's happy though."

"Yeah, she is. What's up with the song choices, though?"

"They were my idea, actually. It's been so long since I've played anything so silly that when Britt said she could dance to anything I saw the opportunity to do so." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Also, they may or may not be stuck in my head since the TV's been stuck on PBS for a while. Especially _Elmo's World_."

"That's gotta suck."

He nodded but before he could reply Mr. Schuester entered the room and began talking. He tuned him out within the first few seconds, not really interested in listening. When an elbow dug into his ribs, however, he tuned in again.

"Uh…sorry?"

"I asked what your name was," the teacher replied with a frown.

"Oh, right. Um, Ray."

"Well, Ray, you have to audition if you're going to join. Got a song to perform?"

"Sort of," he said, picking up his violin case and extracting the instrument. When he was ready to play he just nodded to Santana who stood up and started to sing.

_How can I decide what's right…_


End file.
